New Zealand Holiday with a twist

By David Ball

The man had had a good day right from the very start, he had woken up with an erection and his wife, out un characteristically had been happy to accommodate him, so they had the best sex they had had since there wedding night, and he’d had the most mind blowing orgasm that he could remember in years, he even took the time to bring her off as well. They’d had breakfast together on the terrace under strangely clement November weather, he had eaten everything that he liked bacon and eggs with fried bread, and his wife had not once mentioned his cholesterol. So he left the house with a big smile on his face and things could hardly get better, they did, when he stopped off at the shop to buy a newspaper and a bar of chocolate he had paid with a tenner but had been given change for a twenty, he had not realized this until later on in the day, so was unable to hand it back, but he decided he would return it the following day as he didn’t want to poke a finger in lady lucks eye.

The traffic was as easy as he could remember, all the lights in his favor and no one tried to cut him up, so he arrived at work early, he sold houses for a living, he was very good at it, his secretary gave him the look of a woman who was not getting any, but still laughed at his jokes.

When went to lunch he had asked his boss to go along with him, and he had finally got up the nerve to ask him for that long overdue rise his boss had told him he was amazed he had waited this long to ask. So not only did he get the rise but it was back dated six months.  So by the end of the week he would have a couple of extra grand in his bank account.

Which started him day dreaming about what he was going to spend it all on, he spent most of the afternoon at his desk daydreaming, he thought first that he would perhaps buy himself a new set of golf clubs, or perhaps a new car but he didn’t really need a new car and  the current one was only twelve months old, and he only rarely played golf nowadays, perhaps a holiday they hadn’t been away for a few years now, and he was due a holiday, he decided on a holiday to new Zealand, he and his wife had wanted to visit that oh so attractive island for years now, ever since watching a holiday programme  about the place, he had many a dream about the place since then, there was one particularly  beautiful long sandy beach that he had dreamed himself on more times than he could count. When he got home that night his wife had been very ’ in’ to the idea and said she would love to go to New Zealand with him. They spent weeks going over every detail of their coming holiday, where they intended to stay the hire company for the car they intended to use. They decided to stick to the north island partly because of the limited time, they only had six weeks before he had to be back to his nine to five, and partly because they believed that his dream beach was there somewhere in the mists of the north island. His boss had been reluctant to give him that long, but his good day had continued that long and he had let him have the time

So it was that three months after his most perfect day it came to pass that he and his wife came to be on a plane journey taking almost twenty four hours with a stop off in Singapore, the journey had been truly grueling but after having breakfast lunch and dinner on board they had both managed to get a good few hours’ sleep at last, in fact they slept six or seven hours out of the last ten so they were reasonably refreshed when they arrived in New Zealand. The customs had taken just a few minutes. So at zero seven hundred hours on a Monday morning they were ready to go, they went to the car hire place near the airport and hired a four by four, so at last they were there in New Zealand they had six weeks free and clear to discover all of those special little places that your average tourist misses, and began to slowly travel all the way around the coast of the north island stopping in nice hotels and eating in the best restaurants and cafes. They saw many beaches but never quite the one he had been looking for, but his heart was set on finding that one special beach he had seen on that television show all those years before. He had begun to think he would never find it and they only had a couple of more weeks to go so he had decided to start asking about the place to the oh so friendly natives. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t done this from the start, but he was giving them so little to go on, a long deserted sandy beach was all he could give them, and as he and his wife could attest to, the island was full of them, one other clue, he had an inkling it was close to a quite large town but no one knew of such a place then one night he and his wife were in a restaurant at the bar whilst waiting to be seated and he asked the question again this time to the barman and a couple of Maoris who were in the area looking for some big surf and they spoke to each other in their own language for a few seconds, and then turned  back to them and said they thought the place you want was up by Wellington, it was called two mile beach and it was popular with people from the big city who visit it for day trips, that’s probably why people hadn’t picked up on the description, they had been asking for a deserted beach when two mile beach was anything but deserted, it was only quiet at night and early in the mornings so unless they got there very early in the morning they were liable to have to share it with a large percentage of the people of Wellington, who would be there for the day.

Well whatever he was determined to be there good and early so they drove up the coast and found a small hotel in the next village down the coast, they decided not to visit it that night, but decided to wait for daybreak so they could enjoy the place at its best. They started out before daybreak to arrive before anyone else did and drove up to the unsettlingly  large car park and waited for daybreak, it was then that he decided to broach the subject of perhaps having a bonk on the beach, and he was thrilled and a bit relieved when his wife had agreed, he had rather been hoping for the best while expecting the worst, in the early morning light they set out heading for the sun carrying towels they walked for a few hundred yards then laid out there towels in a secluded spot and got down to it, it was just at that moment that he started to feel unwell his head started to swim and he felt like throwing up, within a few moments he was indeed being sick, it was projectile vomit and his wife went from disgust(he had just thrown up a little in to her mouth) to mild worry to all out panic in just a few seconds, she got on the phone to the ambulance service, all the time her husband was rolling around in his own vomit she had no idea what to do with him, then he stopped breathing and she had to put her fingers down his throat and put him in the recovery position so that was all she could do apart from wish the ambulance to get there. Soon after she heard and then saw the ambulance arrive they couldn’t do so fast enough for her, presently with her waving her arms like she was demented they were by her side and taking care of her husband, as she walked alongside the stretcher a few minutes later, she took a look around at the view, it was stunning in the daylight and she knew her husband will be disappointed to have missed it, she just hoped it was nothing serious and he would recover soon enough to enjoy the rest of their holiday.

At the hospital they said that it looked as if her husband had suffered a brain hemorrhage but they would have to do further tests.

He began to come around after a few days and at first everything he saw was like he was looking through a fog or slightly slowed down the people kept asking him rather obvious and silly questions like his name and where they were and he kept telling them his name and new Zealand, at night he was taken to a smaller ward where two male nurses kept talking to each other as if he weren’t there and doing repeated sheet changes after a few days his daughter was there, but how had she been able to afford the air fare and had she brought his grandchildren with her, he was thrilled by that possibility they would be able to enjoy his lovely beach together.

That night he was taken in to another room and asked where he was, he told them New Zealand then he saw his sister in law was there who he was estranged from, what was she doing there and had she brought his nieces over with her, they asked him again what’s your name he told them, why do you keep asking me, because we are in Coventry you never left, but he knew that was nonsense.

During the night he was again taken into a smaller ward where he was kept awake by two male nurses speaking an Indian dialect to each other,

And changing his sheets every couple of hours he woke up in the early hours.

That night they took him into the room again this time his sister in law was there but this time Joe Brand was there, well course she was she was a nurse what else would she be doing this time his brother in law was there as well,  so that meant his nieces were surely there they kept asking what’s your name where are we he was getting irritated by now so he raised his voice New Zealand he said but it came out a whisper, that day his daughter came to visit again and he told her what they had been saying to him she smiled but did not argue with him he asked her where the kids were, they were out with her husband she told him, he imagined them on the beach his beach and the idea became fixed in his mind his grandchildren were on his beach behind the hospital having a wonderful time, that evening they took him back into the room this time his brother and sister in law, Jo Brand was there along with George Clooney well he was a doctor  what else would he be doing, they asked him once again what was his name, he told them, where are we, New Zealand he replied, with real conviction, but he began to wonder if this was the right tactic and if he wanted to get home he shouldn’t tell them what they wanted to hear, that night he was taken again into the small room where he was subjected to the repeated bed changing by the two Asian nurses,  he awoke again in the early hours where he had time to think should he tell them what they wanted to hear.

But telling them what they wanted to hear was against everything he stood for not that he could remember what he stood for anymore, well later that day when his daughter came to visit bringing in his two adorable grandchildren he told her he knew they were in Coventry, and she seemed relieved by that, so she was in on the joke, she knew he was faking it to get out, although what the reasoning behind it all was he couldn’t imagine, throughout  that day he had made up his mind to tell them just what they wanted to hear.

That night when they pushed him into the room he had almost come to terms with lying to them but when he was in the room with his sister and brother in law .Jo Brand, George Clooney and this time Barbara Windsor well she was a nurse what else would she be doing, he had changed his mind and told them in a loud clear voice New Zealand.

That night in the small room when the two Asian  nurses were doing the repeated sheet changes he had time to think about what to do the next evening and he had decided to go along with what they wanted to hear. So when he was wheeled into the room and they were doing the scan on his head they asked him where he was he told them Coventry but something inside of him died although everyone in the room seemed pleased with him even Jim Dale, well he was a doctor so what else would he be doing.

Over the next few days he got used to telling the lies in fact he got to like the way he was treated by the doctors and nurses, and he loved the fact that his daughter brought him in his grandchildren to visit, one afternoon a couple of days after him switching his story.

The doctors told him that he had suffered two strokes but he had been lucky they had travelled up and down so he had no damage to his motor skills, in fact to look at him you would think there was nothing wrong with him and once he was dry at night he could go home. Well that day came a step closer a few days later when he was asking how long had he been out, about a week he was told, is that all he thought it had been months at the very least I mean he could describe the whole trip to New Zealand every detail, every hotel, every meal, every beach they had visited, he and his wife had a minor celebration the first morning where he had gone through the night dry, they went for a trip to the hospital cafeteria to have a cup of coffee and a slice of cake, he remembered he was so tremendously disappointed to see through the main doors he was in England after, and it was raining, all he had been so very sure even up until that point that they had still been in new Zealand, soon after the trip out he was allowed home.

That first night at home his wife went over the entire ordeal from her point of view, she got up that morning earlier than him and was taking him up a cup of tea when she heard him making a funny noise, a kind of snorting sound, when she got to the bedroom he had been sick and he was laying in it, suddenly he was sick again real projectile vomit and then he had begun to choke on it so she had put her fingers down his throat until he began breathing again when she had maneuvered him into the safety position, when she went down to phone the ambulance which had arrived within ten minutes which she spent going between the bedroom and the front door, she was there when the ambulance came so she was able to let them straight in, they had believed he had suffered a cerebral hemorrhage, and they continued to think the same for several days in hospital it was only after extensive testing did they come to realize it was two strokes and she had been relieved when he first came round, until she realized that he wasn’t with it at all, the whole New Zealand story had frightened her to death, until the doctors explained it was a normal thing to expect with a head trauma, and that she shouldn’t be concerned, but not to contradict the patient at first  just let him talk about whatever he wanted, so she had sat by his side day after day listening to his stories about places they had visited together , beaches hotel restaurants that she had no knowledge of all, it seemed like an age to her alone, until their daughter had come in to visit him, she had been wonderful, she had just smiled serenely when her father had questioned her about the kids having a good time on the beach, down on his beach it was always his beach whenever he mentioned it now, well it had to be his beach now didn’t it as he was the only one who had ever visited it, so now he knew the rest really he had slowly gotten better over the next few weeks he had been allowed to the hospital cafeteria for a couple of hours and when he finally got control of his bladder he had been allowed home full time, of course everyone realized that he was fibbing when he claimed he knew they were in Coventry, he told lies with such little enthusiasm you could tell immediately.

It was only when he was at home having dinner one evening, that he thought about his job what had happened about that he wondered, don’t worry about it his wife told him, your boss came in to visit you when you were still out of it and he told me not to worry he would keep paying your wages and when you were ready to come back the job would be waiting for you, that had been a Huge  relief as you can imagine, so it was that three months to the day of him going sick his doctor gave him permission to return to work, it was a bright sunny day, and he was back at work one of the first things he did was to get his secretary to book next year’s annual holiday six weeks, he intended to go visit New Zealand to see if the real place was as nice as his fantasy version had been, he suspected it wouldn’t be somehow.