New Zealand
Holiday with a twist
By David Ball
The man had had a good day right from
the very start, he had woken up with an erection and his wife, out un
characteristically had been happy to accommodate him, so they had the best sex
they had had since there wedding night, and he’d had the most mind blowing
orgasm that he could remember in years, he even took the time to bring her off
as well. They’d had breakfast together on the terrace under strangely clement
November weather, he had eaten everything that he liked bacon and eggs with
fried bread, and his wife had not once mentioned his cholesterol. So he left
the house with a big smile on his face and things could hardly get better, they
did, when he stopped off at the shop to buy a newspaper and a bar of chocolate
he had paid with a tenner but had been given change for a twenty, he had not realized
this until later on in the day, so was unable to hand it back, but he decided he
would return it the following day as he didn’t want to poke a finger in lady
lucks eye.
The traffic was as easy as he could remember,
all the lights in his favor and no one tried to cut him up, so he arrived at
work early, he sold houses for a living, he was very good at it, his secretary
gave him the look of a woman who was not getting any, but still laughed at his
jokes.
When went to lunch he had asked his
boss to go along with him, and he had finally got up the nerve to ask him for
that long overdue rise his boss had told him he was amazed he had waited this
long to ask. So not only did he get the rise but it was back dated six
months. So by the end of the week he
would have a couple of extra grand in his bank account.
Which started him day dreaming about
what he was going to spend it all on, he spent most of the afternoon at his
desk daydreaming, he thought first that he would perhaps buy himself a new set
of golf clubs, or perhaps a new car but he didn’t really need a new car
and the current one was only twelve
months old, and he only rarely played golf nowadays, perhaps a holiday they
hadn’t been away for a few years now, and he was due a holiday, he decided on a
holiday to new Zealand, he and his wife had wanted to visit that oh so
attractive island for years now, ever since watching a holiday programme about the place, he had many a dream about
the place since then, there was one particularly beautiful long sandy beach that he had
dreamed himself on more times than he could count. When he got home that night
his wife had been very ’ in’ to the idea and said she would love to go to New
Zealand with him. They spent weeks going over every detail of their coming
holiday, where they intended to stay the hire company for the car they intended
to use. They decided to stick to the north island partly because of the limited
time, they only had six weeks before he had to be back to his nine to five, and
partly because they believed that his dream beach was there somewhere in the
mists of the north island. His boss had been reluctant to give him that long,
but his good day had continued that long and he had let him have the time
So it was that three months after his
most perfect day it came to pass that he and his wife came to be on a plane
journey taking almost twenty four hours with a stop off in Singapore, the
journey had been truly grueling but after having breakfast lunch and dinner on
board they had both managed to get a good few hours’ sleep at last, in fact
they slept six or seven hours out of the last ten so they were reasonably
refreshed when they arrived in New Zealand. The customs had taken just a few
minutes. So at zero seven hundred hours on a Monday morning they were ready to
go, they went to the car hire place near the airport and hired a four by four,
so at last they were there in New Zealand they had six weeks free and clear to
discover all of those special little places that your average tourist misses,
and began to slowly travel all the way around the coast of the north island
stopping in nice hotels and eating in the best restaurants and cafes. They saw
many beaches but never quite the one he had been looking for, but his heart was
set on finding that one special beach he had seen on that television show all
those years before. He had begun to think he would never find it and they only
had a couple of more weeks to go so he had decided to start asking about the
place to the oh so friendly natives. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t done this
from the start, but he was giving them so little to go on, a long deserted
sandy beach was all he could give them, and as he and his wife could attest to,
the island was full of them, one other clue, he had an inkling it was close to
a quite large town but no one knew of such a place then one night he and his
wife were in a restaurant at the bar whilst waiting to be seated and he asked
the question again this time to the barman and a couple of Maoris who were in
the area looking for some big surf and they spoke to each other in their own
language for a few seconds, and then turned
back to them and said they thought the place you want was up by
Wellington, it was called two mile beach and it was popular with people from
the big city who visit it for day trips, that’s probably why people hadn’t
picked up on the description, they had been asking for a deserted beach when
two mile beach was anything but deserted, it was only quiet at night and early
in the mornings so unless they got there very early in the morning they were
liable to have to share it with a large percentage of the people of Wellington,
who would be there for the day.
Well whatever he was determined to be
there good and early so they drove up the coast and found a small hotel in the
next village down the coast, they decided not to visit it that night, but
decided to wait for daybreak so they could enjoy the place at its best. They
started out before daybreak to arrive before anyone else did and drove up to
the unsettlingly large car park and
waited for daybreak, it was then that he decided to broach the subject of
perhaps having a bonk on the beach, and he was thrilled and a bit relieved when
his wife had agreed, he had rather been hoping for the best while expecting the
worst, in the early morning light they set out heading for the sun carrying towels
they walked for a few hundred yards then laid out there towels in a secluded
spot and got down to it, it was just at that moment that he started to feel
unwell his head started to swim and he felt like throwing up, within a few
moments he was indeed being sick, it was projectile vomit and his wife went
from disgust(he had just thrown up a little in to her mouth) to mild worry to
all out panic in just a few seconds, she got on the phone to the ambulance
service, all the time her husband was rolling around in his own vomit she had
no idea what to do with him, then he stopped breathing and she had to put her
fingers down his throat and put him in the recovery position so that was all
she could do apart from wish the ambulance to get there. Soon after she heard
and then saw the ambulance arrive they couldn’t do so fast enough for her,
presently with her waving her arms like she was demented they were by her side
and taking care of her husband, as she walked alongside the stretcher a few
minutes later, she took a look around at the view, it was stunning in the
daylight and she knew her husband will be disappointed to have missed it, she
just hoped it was nothing serious and he would recover soon enough to enjoy the
rest of their holiday.
At the hospital they said that it
looked as if her husband had suffered a brain hemorrhage but they would have to
do further tests.
He began to come around after a few
days and at first everything he saw was like he was looking through a fog or
slightly slowed down the people kept asking him rather obvious and silly
questions like his name and where they were and he kept telling them his name
and new Zealand, at night he was taken to a smaller ward where two male nurses
kept talking to each other as if he weren’t there and doing repeated sheet
changes after a few days his daughter was there, but how had she been able to
afford the air fare and had she brought his grandchildren with her, he was
thrilled by that possibility they would be able to enjoy his lovely beach
together.
That night he was taken in to another
room and asked where he was, he told them New Zealand then he saw his sister in
law was there who he was estranged from, what was she doing there and had she
brought his nieces over with her, they asked him again what’s your name he told
them, why do you keep asking me, because we are in Coventry you never left, but
he knew that was nonsense.
During the night he was again taken
into a smaller ward where he was kept awake by two male nurses speaking an
Indian dialect to each other,
And changing his sheets every couple
of hours he woke up in the early hours.
That night they took him into the
room again this time his sister in law was there but this time Joe Brand was
there, well course she was she was a nurse what else would she be doing this
time his brother in law was there as well,
so that meant his nieces were surely there they kept asking what’s your
name where are we he was getting irritated by now so he raised his voice New
Zealand he said but it came out a whisper, that day his daughter came to visit
again and he told her what they had been saying to him she smiled but did not
argue with him he asked her where the kids were, they were out with her husband
she told him, he imagined them on the beach his beach and the idea became fixed
in his mind his grandchildren were on his beach behind the hospital having a
wonderful time, that evening they took him back into the room this time his
brother and sister in law, Jo Brand was there along with George Clooney well he
was a doctor what else would he be
doing, they asked him once again what was his name, he told them, where are we,
New Zealand he replied, with real conviction, but he began to wonder if this
was the right tactic and if he wanted to get home he shouldn’t tell them what
they wanted to hear, that night he was taken again into the small room where he
was subjected to the repeated bed changing by the two Asian nurses, he awoke again in the early hours where he
had time to think should he tell them what they wanted to hear.
But telling them what they wanted to
hear was against everything he stood for not that he could remember what he
stood for anymore, well later that day when his daughter came to visit bringing
in his two adorable grandchildren he told her he knew they were in Coventry,
and she seemed relieved by that, so she was in on the joke, she knew he was
faking it to get out, although what the reasoning behind it all was he couldn’t
imagine, throughout that day he had made
up his mind to tell them just what they wanted to hear.
That night when they pushed him into
the room he had almost come to terms with lying to them but when he was in the
room with his sister and brother in law .Jo Brand, George Clooney and this time
Barbara Windsor well she was a nurse what else would she be doing, he had
changed his mind and told them in a loud clear voice New Zealand.
That night in the small room when the
two Asian nurses were doing the repeated
sheet changes he had time to think about what to do the next evening and he had
decided to go along with what they wanted to hear. So when he was wheeled into
the room and they were doing the scan on his head they asked him where he was
he told them Coventry but something inside of him died although everyone in the
room seemed pleased with him even Jim Dale, well he was a doctor so what else
would he be doing.
Over the next few days he got used to
telling the lies in fact he got to like the way he was treated by the doctors
and nurses, and he loved the fact that his daughter brought him in his
grandchildren to visit, one afternoon a couple of days after him switching his
story.
The doctors told him that he had
suffered two strokes but he had been lucky they had travelled up and down so he
had no damage to his motor skills, in fact to look at him you would think there
was nothing wrong with him and once he was dry at night he could go home. Well
that day came a step closer a few days later when he was asking how long had he
been out, about a week he was told, is that all he thought it had been months
at the very least I mean he could describe the whole trip to New Zealand every
detail, every hotel, every meal, every beach they had visited, he and his wife
had a minor celebration the first morning where he had gone through the night dry,
they went for a trip to the hospital cafeteria to have a cup of coffee and a
slice of cake, he remembered he was so tremendously disappointed to see through
the main doors he was in England after, and it was raining, all he had been so
very sure even up until that point that they had still been in new Zealand,
soon after the trip out he was allowed home.
That first night at home his wife
went over the entire ordeal from her point of view, she got up that morning
earlier than him and was taking him up a cup of tea when she heard him making a
funny noise, a kind of snorting sound, when she got to the bedroom he had been
sick and he was laying in it, suddenly he was sick again real projectile vomit
and then he had begun to choke on it so she had put her fingers down his throat
until he began breathing again when she had maneuvered him into the safety
position, when she went down to phone the ambulance which had arrived within
ten minutes which she spent going between the bedroom and the front door, she
was there when the ambulance came so she was able to let them straight in, they
had believed he had suffered a cerebral hemorrhage, and they continued to think
the same for several days in hospital it was only after extensive testing did
they come to realize it was two strokes and she had been relieved when he first
came round, until she realized that he wasn’t with it at all, the whole New
Zealand story had frightened her to death, until the doctors explained it was a
normal thing to expect with a head trauma, and that she shouldn’t be concerned,
but not to contradict the patient at first
just let him talk about whatever he wanted, so she had sat by his side
day after day listening to his stories about places they had visited together ,
beaches hotel restaurants that she had no knowledge of all, it seemed like an
age to her alone, until their daughter had come in to visit him, she had been
wonderful, she had just smiled serenely when her father had questioned her
about the kids having a good time on the beach, down on his beach it was always
his beach whenever he mentioned it now, well it had to be his beach now didn’t
it as he was the only one who had ever visited it, so now he knew the rest
really he had slowly gotten better over the next few weeks he had been allowed
to the hospital cafeteria for a couple of hours and when he finally got control
of his bladder he had been allowed home full time, of course everyone realized
that he was fibbing when he claimed he knew they were in Coventry, he told lies
with such little enthusiasm you could tell immediately.
It was only when he was at home
having dinner one evening, that he thought about his job what had happened
about that he wondered, don’t worry about it his wife told him, your boss came
in to visit you when you were still out of it and he told me not to worry he
would keep paying your wages and when you were ready to come back the job would
be waiting for you, that had been a Huge
relief as you can imagine, so it was that three months to the day of him
going sick his doctor gave him permission to return to work, it was a bright
sunny day, and he was back at work one of the first things he did was to get
his secretary to book next year’s annual holiday six weeks, he intended to go
visit New Zealand to see if the real place was as nice as his fantasy version
had been, he suspected it wouldn’t be somehow.
